Being In Love...

My little sister and her best friend turned to me at the races this past summer and asked “How do you know when you’re in love? Like that this is the real thing?” Wow. I’m profoundly under-qualified to answer that question. Just because I’m very happily married to the best man on earth—does not make me the Love Expert. Especially since I feel very much like I was dropped into this dream for no other reason than God decided to bless me with a wonderful marriage. I’ve done nothing to deserve this, in fact, quite the opposite. I was running headlong down a road to nowhere good when I was suddenly stopped short by a man who has captivated everything in me.
I know, that sounds cheesy.

How did I know he was the one? How did I know I was in Love?

The Real Truth?

I didn’t. I remember wondering if I could really trust him—a jaded heart will do that too you. I remember second-guessing if it would really work—a relationship also teaches you a lot about what you really care about. But ultimately, I knew he loved me. He showed it in a thousand ways. He trusted me. He respected me as a woman. He cared about me. He asked my opinion. He was vocal about loving me. He was considerate. And he loved me. He told me so, I knew it, and I knew he loved me more than I loved him. That sounds bad, As though I’m not as committed to this relationship, or that I settled. I am. I didn’t. I just threw my heart on the line because I was tired of holding it back. I decided to trust him, and I’ve never looked back. And when he first asked me if I would marry him when I was a mess of tears and shame in his arms, I knew that he was all mine.

So how did I know I really loved him? I do not believe that we only are truly in love with the man we marry. We love each person in our lives at different levels and in different ways. There are men in my past that I loved and still care for—but in a completely different way than I love my husband. They will always have a place in my past, and I am glad I knew them, but I am thrilled that I get to share my life with Keith.

Monday Morning After Milking And Other Musings

[Written Early Summer]
Ever started both the washer and the dishwasher, and then tried to wash pans in the sink? I could just about hear the water faucet laughing at me as it dribbled a tiny stream from the tap.

Ahh…the wonders of finally having a good night’s sleep and energy again! It’s gloriously sunny outside, after an awe-full wind/rain/thunderstorm last night. Weather is such a wonderful thing isn’t it? Last night on the way to church I was amazed by a huge array of clouds and shadows and light and sunshine spilling through them to create light beams streaming down to earth. Words fail me. Small and insignificant does not even start to describe how I felt.  At times like these, the inadequacy of language seems to be blasphemy. 

How blessed we are to be allowed to behold such beauty. God has richly blessed this world. When I meditate on all the wonders I have been privileged to see even in this little corner of the world, I must stand in awe of the Creator. However, an even greater realization came to me when I was standing on Fraser Island last June.  Fraser Island is barely inhabited, and fairly remote. As we watched the sun set over the ocean, and then journeyed inland to Lake Mackensie, it struck me that this beauty isn’t only just around for us to see! (I know, brilliant observation, right?) Yet to think, that God has created all these wonders for Himself! They are constantly there, constantly beautiful, constantly breathtaking, whether anyone is there to see them or not! How many sunsets, sunrises,  awe-inspiring vistas, little moments of glory and love, are not even noticed or seen by human eyes. God didn’t necessarily create this beauty for us, as some people intimate. He first and foremost created it for Himself! This beautiful world is created solely for His honor and glory and pleasure!  How privileged we are to be able to glimpse it! We are so unutterably unworthy of this great honor.  I know, I know, I am not the first to think this, feel this, and know this. In fact, it is sure to be common knowledge that I am only slow to understand. I am humbled, and my stuttering tongue wishes to be truly grateful.

What a glorious world is this earth! What hath God wrought! Yet to think, that ear has not heard, nor eye has not seen, neither has it entered into the heart of man, what God has prepared for them that love Him! What jealousy!

Tea Toddy

I've come down with a cough/cold/sore throat in the last day-compliments of my loving husband. :-)  However, I'm now discovering the wonders of steaming cups of Earl Grey tea. It might not rival my coffee addiction any time soon, but there's nothing better  than a cup of tea on a cold fall day while wearing comfy sweats and cuddling with my lil kitty.

Well, except maybe this recipe from Taste of Home:

1 cup brewed hot Earl Grey tea
1 shot Irish Cream liquer
1 tsp sugar
1 Tbsp Scotch or rye whisky
 (I just used Seagrams 7 cause thats all we had in the house)
Enjoy. I did!

Depression Is...

Depression is laying your head down in your arms and crying hot tears, even though the sun is shining bright in the Independence Day sky, your salad is sure to be a hit at the family get-together tonight, and your husband wasn’t put out a bit that dinner was incredibly late. Still, the wretched tears will come even though there is no logical reason for them to be there.

Depression is sitting in the parking lot looking at the distance from the car to the doors of the grocery store, and not knowing how you’ll ever have the energy to walk there.

Depression is drinking a whole pot of coffee, but the only way you can tell you’ve consumed that much caffeine is because your sluggish mind can register that your heart is doing weird flips.

Depression is being able to stare into the distance for hours with an empty mind.

Depression is clinging with your arms around your husband’s waist, knowing that he is the only thing keeping you upright.

Depression is knowing that one of these days his loving support will run out and he will leave.

Depression is standing in the store staring dumbly at the laundry baskets, knowing that you need one but not having the energy to carry it to the checkout.

Depression is leaving the store without the laundry basket.

Depression is treading water, being so tired, so exhausted, but knowing that if you stop, you will drown.

Humbling.

Trying to start memorizing more Scripture. So I decided to start with Isaiah 53, cause I learned it in high school so it would be a good starting point. Except now the chapter is putting me in awe. Have you ever read that chapter verse by verse, slowly, savoring every word and committing it to memory?

Who hath believed our report? And to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed?

He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, as a root out of dry ground. He hath no form nor comeliness, and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him.

He is despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, and we hid as it were our faces from Him. He was despised, and we esteemed Him not.

So humbling—we do this day in and day out. We esteem Him not, we hide our faces from Him…He stands at the door and knocks, God has sent His only, perfect, lovely, begotten Son down to this earth to be tortured and despised and crucified by sinful, rebellious wretches. The Potter killed by the clay. What a wonder, what an unfathomable way—“For My ways are not thy ways, neither are My thoughts, thy thoughts”—and this indescribable grace is initiated by the very God who we have rejected and despised. How we ought to bow in humble adoration to this glorious King! How we ought to adore, magnify, and obey Him! How we ought to love Him!

Ahhh....

Ahhh…now this is what I love about my Bunn coffeepot. It makes me half a pot of black goodness in 1.5 minutes. Half a scoop of sugar, a dash of Caramel Macciato creamer, and I’m ready to face the day. At 10:06 in the morning: Sigh. I love/hate milking week. On the one hand, it’s great. I get to spend all kinds of time with my wonderful hubby, I get to sleep in til 10 without feeling guilty, and I have the perfect excuse to only clean the minimum essentials of my house for the week. However, I also get entirely sick of living in a mess, I’m tired all the time anyways, and frayed nerves and lack of sleep mean me and hubby start to snap at each other;  like this morning. Oh well, love goes on. It was mostly my fault to be honest. J  So now all I have to do this morning is: clean bathrooms, wash barn laundry and guest bedroom sheets, make dinner, make muffins for breakfast, put mulch on the garden, etc. etc. etc. This is what happens to procrastinators. Still, I’m happy. My house is clean enough, the mulch will still be there on Monday, laundry isn’t too difficult in these modern days, and I get to finally break out my breakfast cookbook and salivate over the gorgeous muffins inside. Lemon Crumb Muffins. Yum.